Don’t Piss on This

Well, another St. Patrick’s Day weekend is upon us, Chicago. Prepare yourself for these next 48 hours as #Chirish and selfies of people day drinking by the Chicago River clutter your newsfeed. Before you hit up Wrigley for a ceremonial Irish car bomb, paint yourself green and wrap yourself in an Irish flag because you can claim you’re like 5% Irish on your Mother’s side, please take the following into consideration.

As a city, we have a reputation to uphold for one crazy weekend. Individually, we have our own reputations to consider, so let’s cut to the chase: WATCH WHERE YOU PEE.

(Photo courtesy of http://deadairfm.com/)

 I’ve lived through many a St. Patty’s Day weekends in Chicago, and I’ve seen things. So, I’ve made a list of “Things Not to Pee on This St. Patrick’s Day.”  

1. Don’t pee on your friends. Don’t pee on strangers. Just don’t pee on people. It’s rude.
2. Don’t pee on animals.
3. Don’t pee on the train. It smells like urine enough on its own.
4. Basically, if it moves or breathes, don’t pee on it.
5. Don’t pee off the bridge.
6. Don’t pee on people’s windows. (Allow me to clarify, I used to live in a Garden Unit in Wrigley and my bedroom window faced an alleyway. Need I explain more?)
7. Speaking of alleys, don’t pee in them either.
8. And don’t pop a squat in the middle of the sidewalk. Your tiny green tutu can only cover so much.
9. Don’t pee in beer bottles.
10. Don’t pee in beer bottles and leave them behind.
11. For those of you who plan on donning the green man spandex suit, don’t try to pee through that and risk serious chafing.

This weekend, remember the old saying, “There’s a Starbucks on every corner.” Utilize this. You’ll make the bladder gladder and a whole lot of other people too. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!